When you think of growth, you think of all sorts of things. Particularly, I think of the growth of one’s edges. I often like to welcome them back. In this instance, the type of growth that I’m referring to is maturity. When you look back on your younger self, are you embarrassed or ashamed of who you were then? I’ll raise my hand for all of you.

Being that I’m still young and under thirty, some people (Older) would probably disagree with growth at this age and reference that “I still have a lot to learn”. I won’t disagree with that part, however, I have learned a lot in the past five years about myself. Relationships, whether they are friendships, partnerships, or personal relationships, have been quite the area of growth for me. Let’s do a little bullet point presentation of some of the things that I’ve simply grown out of over the past five years.

  • Pleasing people
  • Caring
  • Fake friends
  • Broke ass dudes
  • Dudes with several children
  • Dudes with no jobs
  • Dudes with no ambition
  • Did I mention “Not giving a f**k about other’s opinions”

This list can literally go on into a dissertation entitled “How I Stopped Giving  A F**k and Stacked My Money Up”. Honestly, five years ago, I was a complete mess. I was very naive and easily manipulated. I was quick to please and slow to catch on. I wanted to please everyone around me and I wanted attention for all the wrong reasons. Fresh out of college, I found myself doing a lot of things that I now regret. I was dating the wrong guys and befriending some of the wrong people. Fast forward to five years later and I’m absolutely enamored with the woman who I’ve become. I know better and I do better; not because of wanting to please others but because better feels good to me.

I’m better in my friendships, partnerships, and I’m still growing in the relationship area. However, I know I’m better in that also. I’m doing better with those things. Maturity is one hell of a drug!

If you could give your 22/23-year-old self advice now, what would be the main point that you would want your younger self to know?

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There are millions of people on social media but there are a million more people who are on social media ALL DAY LONG. There is that one person, one follower, one stalker, who comments and likes everything you post. You could be asking a rhetorical question while on a ranting spree and that person has what seems like a real life answer. Please, sir/ma’am, go and sit down somewhere! Also, remove yourself from social media for the remainder of the week.

Usually, if you have children (because no one just has one child anymore) one would expect you to be tending to your children or any family involved activities. Usually, if you have jobs (because no one person has one job anymore) one would expect you to actually be productive with completing work tasks during your allotted work hours. However, these same people with full time jobs and families find time to dedicate ALL DAY of their lives to being on social media. Every post, every picture, every flyer, every Facebook memory; you manage to be there for all of it. GO AWAY!

Please help me understand why you have nothing else to do during the day? WHY ARE YOU NOT RINGING MY ITEMS AND CHECKING ME OUT? WHY AM I STILL IN THIS LINE FOUR HOURS LATER WITH ONLY TWO ITEMS? Girl, please put down the dumb (smart) phone and check me the hell out before I walk the hell out.

I’m literally baffled that people spend so much time in other people’s business. You don’t even know Jonathan or Stephanie yet you find ALL of THEE TIME to criticize their every move. Why does your niece on your father’s side know about Stephanie’s business. Does Stephanie even know you?

Since I’m not a biased person, one would also wonder why Stephanie and Jonathan are sharing their entire lives on social media. I don’t care that you just left White Castle’s to get a twenty-case of burgers. You will also have a twenty-case of the shits! I’m convinced that people who post their every move to social media have no real friends or support system. They have no one to talk to, no best-friends to vent to and no shoulder to cry on.

I challenge all (everyday all day) social media users and stalkers to go and find a LIFE. Get a hobby! Go to WORK!  STOP COMMENTING! Get off of his page! Stop forming opinions! Finish that paper that is three weeks overdue! Mend a broken relationship! Just do all of this while being off of social media.

ONE MORE THING:

Please refrain from commenting on all of my pictures and status updates.

Sincerely,

We’re not even friends on here

Dating these days is like believing that you have a talent but you keep failing at it. You continuously are trying to figure out if you’re any good at it. For us women, it’s even harder trying to weed through the bad guys just to “settle” for a decent one. Sometimes, we simply give in and give up on finding that realistic match.

For an educated woman, we want to simply find a partner that is independent in his financial stability and inclusive in his emotional and physical support. This sounds complicated but it’s actually quite simple. Its simple enough for you to google what it means and figure it out.

I have been on numerous dates within this year and they have all, with the exception of maybe two, sucked major ass. I have either not been physically attracted to them or extremely turned off by their ignorance and narcissism. I have even questioned myself as to whether or not I was a good match or even good at dating. I started to question myself because I noticed that I attracted certain men. I either attracted older men, who have been married twice and are near their first heart attack or I attract guys who are fascinated by a woman’s body image and his own selfishness.

So, I’ve decided to just be upfront while on a date to save time and effort from introducing myself to an asshole. Here are the five essential questions to ask while on a first date.

  1. How old are you? (Age helps with understanding his mentality)
  2. Who do you live with? (Understanding independence)
  3. Where do you work and is it full-time? (Understanding values)
  4. Do you have any children? (Possible baby mama issues)
  5. Do you drive and own a vehicle? (Understanding dependability)

I have often not asked these simple questions and have been bamboozled while in the relationship. There are different types of women and all women date differently. Some women are more tolerant of certain men and some women cringe at the thought of “taking care of a man”. I fit in the second category. This is not an attack on men because they are also women who fit in the same category.

If you are a no non-sense, take action kind of woman then this article is for you. You have goals, tasks to complete, people to network with, appointments to get to, homework to do, work (employer) to catch up on and errands to run. You have structure in your life and you really don’t have the patience to teach a “Man” how to date you. So, just weed through them all with the five essential dating application questions. You’re Welcome!

Here is back to all the ex-boyfriend stuff but this time I’m serving a little tea. Now, I’m not the one to tell a tall tale but every now and then, I can’t help myself. I also believe that if you’re reading this then you have been guilty of doing the same thing. You’re guilty of being petty.

Picture this: Your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you for unspecified reasons and you’re trying to deal with it. Some people self medicate, some people simply move on and others just hide it very well. The others who hide it very well are the one’s who are most guilty of being petty. Here are some things you do that make you this way.

  1. You remain friends on social media
  2. You immediately change their name in your phone (Bae=Bitch)
  3. You threaten your friends to break off any and all contact with him/her
  4. You social media stalk all their pages
  5. You post indirect Facebook statuses about them
  6. You now talk down about them to anyone willing to listen
  7. You post a lot of pictures looking good just for them to see

Petty runs in your blood and it probably runs deep. I would have never thought I would be this person but I guess this is what happens when you truly love someone. The part that often bothers me is the getting back with your ugly ex. It’s one thing that you dated such a person but it’s an entirely different circumstance when you see their posts about them being together again. That makes me think that you all were in contact while we were in a relationship. So, what’s a girl to do?

In the end, just know that you tried and it didn’t work out because it probably was not meant to be. The petty will come and go and for most people, it will stay. It’s all part of healing and getting over your broken heart. For the people who are not so good at showing emotion, they are suffering the worst. I can say that from experience. Until then, I will try to keep my petty in and my shade trapped.

Confession time!!!!  What’s the most petty thing you’ve done after a break-up?

I used to think that I was extremely mean to guys and I did not give them a fair chance at shooting their shots. Now I know why I was mean! Guys want to shoot their shots even if you all are no longer on the same court.

Being cordial and being a complete jerk are two different things but they usually end up being one in the same. When it comes to most of my ex boyfriends, I mainly feel this way. PSA: I’m not interested in ever getting back with you so don’t even waste your time. I can be terribly pleasant to you and even entertain everyone amongst a group of friends. I can hold an influential conversation with you while reminiscing about the good old days of our past. Ohhh but please be conscious that I probably despise you and your lack of manhood.

If your relationship did not work out then that’s the end of that. What if it has been a few tears and both parties have seemingly changed? If this is the case then you should give it another chance. Great things happen with second and third chances. However, if you were given a fifth, sixth, seventh and eight chance then your ass should be put on the “DO NOT EVER THINK ABOUT OR CONTACT ME LIST”. Going back to an old relationship often gives one hope that things can revert back to the way they were. People often think about the good times and convincingly tends to have no recollection of the bad. When I’ve had more bad times than good; as the Spanish say, ADIOS!

I can count on my hands the number of times that I have gotten back with an ex. Be it for pleasure or because I truly had faith that it would work; I just can’t see myself repeating this same behavior. I don’t doubt that some of my ex-boyfriends are really good guys. I just don’t think that they have maturated in MEN.

I have been watching so much Oprah and Iyanla: Fix My Life that I truly believe that I have fixed myself and grown spiritually and mentally. I’m not a person of many chances but if you have somehow managed to get more than two chances out of me then you should know that you’re the asshole who messed up. I’m not perfect by an inch but I’m a decimal away from being the woman you wish you had.

Question at hand is: Have you taken an ex back and if so, why?

Friends! How many of us have them? That is the question that has been asked for over 20 years but no one has seemed to find a conclusive answer. When you have real friends, do you even know that they are your REAL friends. We are all waiting for the real answer but most importantly, the big question.

Picture this: You’re at a concert with a friend and the both of you are talking and laughing hysterically. One friend peeps something odd and grabs your arm tightly. You peep what the friend see’s and the both of you grab each other while simultaneously clutching your pearls. You saw it and you know you saw it because you could not have seen anything else.

You saw your mutual friend’s man walking past with another woman on his arm. You saw him caress the smalls of her back while staring you in the face. You saw him immediately put his head down and stare at the ground as he realized who you were. YOU SAW HIM! You saw him without your friend.

As true and real friends, you deliberate on whether to call up your girl and tell her what you saw. One person has been chosen to do the dirty deed. You decide to text because a phone conversation seems to scare you a little. You tell your friend about her cheating boyfriend and you describe the scenario from top to bottom.

You expect to be the shoulder that will be needed for comfort and instead you get “What was he wearing and what color were his shoes”. Bitch, I made a conscious decision to inform you about this no count dude and all you can ask about is the color of his shoes.

The boyfriend denies that it was ever him and the friend believes him. Once again, they are Facebook happy and all in love and shit. You are extremely livid, not because she took him back but simply because you are the most genuine and honest friend that she has and she called you a LIAR.

Question being: If you saw your friend’s spouse clearly cheating, would you tell your friend?

When you think of the word friend, you automatically think of the person or people who you like the most. Well, my friend, that may not be the most rational thought. What is a true friend and do you really have one?

A good friend is someone who you’ve known for years. This is because you have shared some sort of breakthrough with them. A good friend is someone who has seen you cry at your most joyous moment. A good friend celebrated with you by joining in on your tears. A good friend knows when you are struggling and can see right through your hurt and your lies. A good friend will stop what they are doing  and pick up the phone and call you just to say nothing. A good friend will make you break down in tears when you think about all that they have done for you.

That girl/guy may be your turn up friend. That’s the friend you call when you’re trying to get the hook up. That’s the friend you call when you need a favor. That’s the friend you call when you want to gossip about someone else. But is that the friend that is good enough for you?

We throw around the word “Friend” so loosely that we lose sight of what it really means. You should never feel uncomfortable in front of your friend about anything especially if they are good enough for you. You should have a friend that you can drink a glass of wine with and completely breakdown with to get the heavy burden off of your shoulders. You should have the friend that makes you question whether you are good enough to them because of their kind spirit and gentle heart. You should be the friend that reciprocates the love and joy for the accomplishments that they have reached.

Know the truth about who you allow in your space. Know the truth about who is considered your friend. Know if they are a good enough friend for you. When you come to know these things then you should be a better enough friend.