Posted in Funny

A Ride To Hell

When I was thirteen, I lived with my oldest sister. I think I lived with her because my mom was on break. Her other five children were adults and able to take care of themselves so I think she just pawned me off on my big sister.

My sister was in the house and her new boyfriend, Daniel, was somewhere on a crack binge. Is it a coincidence that most of Marie’s boyfriends were on drugs? My niece and I were bored and Marie was unwilling to take us out on an adventure.

I asked my niece if she wanted to go bike riding. She had no choice as I forced her to say yes. My niece had just gotten a new bike and I didn’t. I felt left out a lot because Marie and her boyfriend always left me the fuck out. Why didn’t I get a new bike?

Instead of having my own bike, I was left with Daniel’s old bike. Daniel had a 1987 twenty speed that sat 6 foot high. I had to hop three times just to get my ass on the seat. I also had to be near a pole so that I could use it to hold me up until I was ready to take off. My niece, Marie Jr. and I had walked our bikes to the nearest pole. She was so sweet.

She waited for me as I climbed on top of that contraption. We rode around the block twice. I knew that I couldn’t stop because there were no brakes and it would have been a disastrous sight. I told my niece to just follow me.

We rode about three blocks down and onto the campus of a nearby high school. I wanted to do some BMX shit but couldn’t because I was riding a damn human being. We rode in circles until I spotted a ramp. I decided that I would man that big fucker and do a trick down the ramp.

I signaled for my Marie Jr. to follow me and she did. The ramp was not really a ramp. It was more so a dock that had a slight ramp going down into some sort of basement.

I decided that Marie Jr. and I would go down the ramp and stop before we hit the big garage like door. We stopped at the top of the ramp and asked each other if we were ready. I asked Marie Jr. if she was scared. I also told her that she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to. She looked at me like I was a pussy. What a coincidence. What happened next is about my vagina.

We got into racing positions and sped off as I screamed “Go”. Marie Jr. was ahead of me by an inch and I was livid about that. This nine year old was not about to beat me at my own game. I peddled as hard as I could and it was working in my favor. I was winning.

Marie came to a sudden screech as she clutched the brake handles on her bike. I screamed “OH SHIT” as I did the same but realized that Daniel’s contraption did not have brakes. I screamed for Marie Jr. to help me but there was nothing that she could do. I tried to stop the bike with my feet but was scared that they would fall off.

I saw my life flash before my eyes as I smashed into the door, while the bike flipped in the air, with my leg still attached in the wheel.

As I slammed into the door, I broke my vagina as it cracked against the metal pole, in between the handle bars and the seat. Alicia Keys once said that “This girl is on fire”! That applied to me heavily as I felt like I had the worst case of syphilis.

My vagina was burning like a wildfire in California. The sensation was spreading fast. My foot was stuck in between the spokes of the bicycle wheel and I couldn’t get it out.

I was crying like DMX when he was on the couple’s therapy show. It was sporadic and demented. Marie Jr. was scared because she thought my life was over. I reached for her as if she had on a black and yellow suit that read “Firefighter”. I needed someone to put out the fire that was burning my front and back yard.

Marie Jr. threw her bike to the side as she ran over to try to release my foot from the hold of the wheel. It wasn’t working. My emotions were all over the place as I was enraged and hysterical at the same damn time. My man strength came out as I pulled the spokes apart and released my foot. I felt like it was broken, along with my Macy Gray.

The ground had a hold on me, as I could not move from it. I had an Amanda Bynes and Britney Spears moment as I attacked the bike with my imagination and with my words. “Stupid bitch, you broke my damn crotch. My fucking ankle is broken. Daniel stupid ass made me ride this big ass bike”, I screamed while snot was coming from my nose and who-ha.

Marie Jr. sat on the ground and rubbed my back. I felt sorry that she felt sorry for me. We had no cell phone because nine and thirteen year old kids didn’t need a damn cell phone. There was no payphone nearby and I thought about screaming for help. I felt like my uterus had taken its last breath. I could not feel a pulse down under.

Marie Jr. sat on the ground with me as I punched the pavement, almost breaking my brain. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

I felt like I had just given birth to a baby giraffe. I didn’t have an animal epidural and there were no doctor’s nearby. I was losing my mind. Marie Jr. just continued to rub my back as I sat there in my own death, crying for my life back.

After thirty minutes of not being able to move, I sucked up the pain and stood to my feet. I should say my foot because I felt like a one-legged, no uterus, bi-polar white woman. I felt like Paul McCartney’s third wife. I was so pissed at that damn truck that I was riding. I wanted to leave it where it was but I wanted to show my sister the perpetrator who had attacked me. We walked home, with our bikes alongside us, glaring into the sun.

I limped and walked like an uncomfortable man was up my ass and in my J-Lo. Tears continued pouring down my face as I felt blood streaming down my leg. I looked down and saw my beat up vagina running in the opposite direction. I told Marie Jr. to just let it run because it would be better off without me. She had been severely beaten and I don’t blame her for running away.

Onlookers stared at me as I hopped down the street, cursing the man who made Cadillac bikes. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even put it into words.

We made it back home and I kicked that big ass bike and left it on the sidewalk in front of the porch. My niece helped me upstairs after parking her bike in the gangway. It was extremely hard to walk up the stairs as my crotch felt like Donatella Versaci’s face, stiff .

My sister Marie was in the house stuffing her face as she was completing her homework. Marie Jr. called for her mom as she walked me into our room and helped me onto my bed. Marie came in and asked what happened. I didn’t want to re- live that horrendous moment so I asked Marie Jr. to inform her of my assault.

Marie laughed uncontrollably and I even think tears welded up in her eyes. She exited our room as she went to try and calm herself from the constant laughter. I was now more pissed off that she was laughing at my pain.

I began thinking about ways to seek revenge on Marie. I thought about manipulating her into riding that devil bike but I knew her big ass was not going to step foot near anything considered exercise. That pissed me off more.

I soon realized that it was too painful to think of ways to seek revenge and be angry at the same time. I had to lessen my pain and only choose one. I chose to be angry. My sister was of no help and I didn’t want Marie Jr. to have a nervous breakdown at an early age. I dismissed her from her Nurse duties and told her to let me be.

I thought about writing my Will because I just knew that my vagina would stop beating and I would die. I never wrote the Will because I had nothing to give just a lot to gain. I specifically wanted to gain the feeling in my peek-a-boo back.

I had no one to help me and I was dying. I decided to go to sleep and let the pain ware off. It took me five tries to go to sleep because I had to position myself in a way that was not effective to my lady part. I went to sleep for about five or six hours. I woke up in the middle of the night in more pain that I had starting out.

I called on Jesus because he was the only one who could help me. “Gracias Jesus Gracias Padre”, I prayed. I was in so much pain that I was speaking in tongue. I went back to sleep hoping to be in better shape the next day. I had to go through rehabilitation. I had to re-learn how to sit, pee, walk straight, do kegles, bounce and break my back, split and shower. It was a rough month of rehab but somehow I made it through. My road to recovery was not one that I wanted to remember.


I'm a native of Chicago, IL and I currently reside here. I graduated from Jackson State University with my B.S. in Criminal Justice and I received my MBA from American Intercontinental University. I'm also an actress, writer, director and a blogger.

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